in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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