Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
