After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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