I'm so fucking centered right now
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
