Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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