I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
