She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
