when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize