Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
