I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
