I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize