I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
