Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
