P.S. I can't hear my feet
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
