Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
