So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
