he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
