I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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