I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
