What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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