I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
