i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
