I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
