You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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