ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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