I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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