I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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