I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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