I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
