I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
