theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
