I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
