Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
