Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
