I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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