So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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