I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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