Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
