I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
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