The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
