so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
