The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize