Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
