I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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