Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I am naked and annoyed.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
