You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
