Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
