the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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