I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
