a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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