Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
And then my night got REAL pukey
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
