I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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