The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
