Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
if only i could text you this smell
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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