I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
