Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize