The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
