I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize