There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
