where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
