May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
