the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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