i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
