I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Everyone says I win the strip club
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
