god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
