I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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