a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
