it's not cheating when I paid for it
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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