More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
