Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
