Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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